I DON'T LIKE THE TWINS ANYMORE

Losers, losers, losers. I hope they turn it around tonigh.... wait day game? Wait for it, wait for it.... losers. The home town nine slipped into the South Side (presumably their hotel was on the North Side because hotels around US Cellular Field are made of cardboard) only 2 1/2 games back and will take the Mega Bus to Cleveland (Pohlad's still the owner bear in mind) back 6 1/2 as the South Side Rats bent them over and made the Twins call them Daddy.

Minnesota had built an early 5-2 lead courtesy of the bats of Michael Cuddyer and Jason Kubel against Chicago left-hander John Danks. A three-run third inning for the Twins began with Cuddyer's RBI single to center and Jason Kubel's two-run double to right. Cuddyer then drove in two more runs in the fifth with a double to left field.

Whoo!! Lock down mode, let's go 'pen!

But with the Twins holding that three-run lead, Perkins walked Jim Thome (no) with one out in the bottom of the fifth. Right-hander Jesse Crain replaced Perkins and got into trouble. He gave up a two-run homer to Nick Swisher (this is going poorly), his second long ball of the game, to pull Chicago within one.

Matt Guerrier then came in for the seventh. A leadoff double by Orlando Cabrera (Renteria's best man I hear) put the tying run on base. Guerrier (3-2) gave up another hit before Carlos Quentin grounded into a fielder's choice, scoring Cabrera and knotting the game at 5.

This team is taking years off my life.

It wouldn't remain tied for long. Paul Konerko hit his second home run of the season vs. the Twins, a two-run shot to right field, which gave Chicago a 7-5 lead.

The Twins will try to right the ship in America's most beautiful city, home of Drew Carey, colorful air, and hosts of fat women with dubious morals. Twins baseball! Bullpen optional!

BONSER AND HIS STUPID GOATEE HEADED TO BULLPEN

Boof Bonser (although it might be Skeet Ulrich) was finally sent to the bullpen in favor of Scott Baker. Ouch. The only time you should be replaced by Scott Baker in anything is when the director of the commercial comes up to you and says "Buddy, you just aren't young enough to look like an eleven year old enjoying his Micro Machines anymore".

As for what Bonser's role will be in relief, Gardenhire said that it will depend on where the pitcher is needed in the upcoming days.

"We'll use him however we can," Gardenhire said. "I'm not afraid to put him anywhere out there."

Really? Because I'm afraid to put Boof on the hill in any situation where there is a batter waiting to strike the ball.

In other news, apparently Nick Punto is still alive and he wants back on the team. This is welcoming news as the Twins need that jolt in the lineup, the guy who will dive when it's unnecessary, not work the pitcher, and pop up to the catcher when runners are in scoring position. You thought the Twins were good now? You just wait!

BLACKBURN IS ALSO THE FRENCH WORD FOR POPPED COLLAR

Nick Blackburn took one off the coconut but the bullpen held up their end of the bargain as the Twins pulled out the 5-1 victory. After a number of tests by alleged "doctors" (don't trust them myself, I'll stick with my leaches thank you very much) it was announced that Blackburn wouldn't even miss a start, leading me to believe he was faking the whole time. Go back to your Italian League Soccer you pussy!

"It feels way better than I thought it possibly could," Blackburn said.

Blackburn was limited in his activity on Monday. The Twins' training staff wanted the swelling in his face to subside some, although it was already drastically reduced from the previous day when he iced it "every 20 minutes until like 1 a.m."

The right-hander is still scheduled to throw his between-starts bullpen session on Tuesday, and Blackburn said he expects to make his next outing on Friday in Chicago.

He might not miss his next start because of this alleged liner to the chops (conspiracy if you ask me, did you see the direction his head darted backwards? Faker.) but he might have to miss it if he trips on his skirt.

JOSH HAMILTON GUNNING FOR THE TRIPLE CROWN......... THAT'S NOT A DRUG JOKE EITHER

Recovering addict/current rat bastard Josh Hamilton hit one deep in the 10th to give the Walker Texas Rangers a ten inning win yesterday, taking two out of three at the Dome. This is the point where I would start firing away with a flurry of heroin addict jokes, like how many heroin addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb, what's big, red, and dripping in heroin, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a heroin addict all walk into a bar, etc. but I won't, cause I'm too classy. Twice the Twins squandered chances to put the game away both in the 7th and 8th inning, but alas, we're the Twins and the term "clutch hitting" means about as much to us as "ketchup vacuum" or "Unicorn spaceship" or "French Army". Fucking frogs.

"You have one of the hottest hitters in baseball beat us, and you never want to let that guy beat you," Justin Morneau said. "But the guy hitting behind him [Milton Bradley, who went 2-for-4 with a double] is swinging a good bat, too, so it's kind of tough. Do you walk him and give the guy behind him a chance? It's one of those things."

Move over Tim McCarver!

Bass said he just left the ball up. He acknowledged Hamilton is one of those hitters that you absolutely cannot afford to make a mistake to.

"That is what you are supposed to do with a hanging slider, hit it out of the ballpark," Bass said. "That's what he did."

The Twins are now 3.5 back with a series in Detroit coming up this weekend. Hope the Tigers already got their "fix" of hitting clutch home runs. Damnit, I was doing so good too.

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Really? Did Sidney Ponson seriously throw a complete game against us last night? What, Scott Erickson was busy?

"He just didn't have his arm strength where he wanted it last year," Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said. "He didn't have his location. But he's pitched in this league a long time, and he has a track record here. He knows how to pitch here. Now he feels better. His arm feels better. His body feels better. And tonight he did what he was supposed to do. He pitched with a lead and shut us down."

Ponson has a history of doing destruction against the Twins. He holds a 10-2 career record with a 2.42 ERA in 15 career contests (14 starts) vs. Minnesota.

By any and all reasonable assertations, Sidney Ponson should have been dead some time ago. The fact that he threw nothing but sinker after sinker after sinker to a team with speed and let up a single run in 9 strong makes me question the validity of this sport or athletic competition in general. This is the same dude that last year looked like he jumped in a pool sweat wise after leaning over to pick up the rosin bag before the 1st inning.

But despite the way his time in Minnesota ended, Ponson said Wednesday that he holds no animosity toward the team.

"I played for them and they gave me a chance," said Ponson, who is now 3-0 with a 2.95 ERA for the Rangers. "I have a lot of good friends on that team, but when I go between the lines, I'm trying to give my own team a chance to win."

That dick. I thought since he had buddies on the Twins that'd he pay us back for last year's nightly Home Runpalooza that became a staple of every fifth start. Also, how the hell would you hold animosity against the Twins? You were on the team for the amount of time it takes to get a bowel movement in. Plus we had to stare at that thing on the top of your head that looked like a mop that had just gone through a puddle of olive oil, believe me, if there's any hard feelings, it's the fan base against Sidney "The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man" Ponson.

TWINS TO PLAY RANGERS 162 TIMES NEXT YEAR

Remember growing up and playing ball as a kid? Remember those teams, whether you were on them or playing them, who were soooo bad that their defensive innings seemed to just go on and on and on and on? Like they'd seriously have two outs for upwards of 45 minutes. The pitcher just walking fools left and right. The second baseman looked like he had hands made of carbonite. The coach hiding his face as well as his flask in his hat as ulcer after crippling ulcer consumed what was left of his black morbid soul? Yeah, the Texas Rangers are that team. I mean, seriously, holy shit they looked bad last night.

Alexi Casilla brought Gomez home by beating out a grounder to short, and went to third on Joe Mauer's double. Mathis did get Justin Morneau on a line drive to short, and Michael Cuddyer followed with a grounder to German Duran at third. Casilla broke for home, and Duran threw him out with a strike to catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia. Mauer tried to go to third on the play, and Saltalamacchia did not throw a strike back to Duran. Instead, he bounced his throw and it went into left field, allowing another run to score.

That's another thing teams that suck like to do, throw the ball around until everyone on base scores. They just don't know when to quit. Most of these kids grow up to be alcoholics. Or dog kickers.

In other news, Ron Gardenhire apparently showed up to the Dome drunk on Monday.

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire is well aware of the rule that a team cannot make two visits to the mound during the same at-bat.

Gardenhire's near-blunder came after Rincon had fallen behind, 2-0, to Ramon Vazquez with one out in the 11th. That's when the skipper charged out of the dugout, heading toward the mound to take Rincon out of the game. Before he got even halfway to the third-base line, however, Gardenhire turned around just as quickly and headed back to the dugout.

You know, for a guy whose job it is to sit on the bench, wear a funny looking jacket, and adjust your balls every 5-7 minutes, you'd think he could remember this rule.

WHERE ELSE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

Apparently Twins fans found something better to do then sit inside in an uncomfortable chair and watch a mediocre baseball team. The bastards. Attendance is down almost 3,000 people a game this year from around 27,000 to 24,000, making the Twins slightly more popular than the hunting opener. Which, when trying to ditch the inbred tag, can only help the cause.

The economy has had some effect on attendance at the Metrodome, as after 24 home games they have drawn some 60,000 fewer fans than a year ago.

Through 24 games last season, they drew 652,612 fans, an average of 27,192 per game. They played their 24th home game of 2008 on Thursday, losing 3-2 to the Blue Jays in 11 innings in front of an announced 18,701. That put their attendance this year at 592,249, an average of 24,677.

There's clearly only one solution.