(LOUD DISCOURAGED GROAN)

Vicente Padilla threw a complete game shut out against the Twins yesterday striking out two and allowing only seven hits. I'm going to let you think about that for a second.........
OK, now I'm going to repeat it. Vicente Padilla threw a complete game shut out against the Twins yesterday striking out two and allowing only seven hits. Really? Vicente Padilla? This is like getting eliminated in a game of lightning by a girl. Fun fact: Vicente Padilla has been clocked at taking forty, yes four zero, seconds between pitches. Can't imagine driving behind him on a one way, yeesh.

The Twins starters had been a big reason for the team's ability to battle through some early offensive woes. But following Sunday's loss, the Twins starting pitchers are now 0-3 with an 8.27 ERA over their last seven contests, having pitched just a total of 32 2/3 innings over that span.

What happened to our innings eater? Isn't our strategy to have Livan pitch 1500 innings this year? And a tip of the cap to Mike Lamb who is batting his weight. And by the way he's swinging the lumber, homeboy is on a diet.

.....THE HELL?

Francisco Liriano isn't good at baseball anymore, apparently. Franchise has gotten off to a rocky 0-3 start after being touted as the dark horse to lead the Twins to the Central Division crown as well as "having nasty" per Scott Baker.

Pitching coach Rick Anderson went out to talk to Liriano (in what language God only knows) following a five-pitch walk to Frank Thomas that loaded the bases. Anderson told Liriano to settle down and just throw it over the plate, but that didn't provide any solutions.

Wow, great coaching Rickster. Maybe you can get into the NFL and yell at your kicker after a miss like everyone's favorite tomato, Tom Coughlin. On the up and up, the Twins are staying within striking distance of the lead for the division plus Adam Everett is still hurt, so that's good.

Now it turns out that they're sending his 12.32 ERA and DUI conviction to Rochester and calling up something named Bobby Korecky. This is not the start that I envisioned for Santana Jr. I envisioned him pitching 54 consecutive scoreless innings and one night, with the game on the line, telling Adam Everett to take a seat, lash a double off the Dodge Ram or whatever the hell they have up now, and giving the Minnesota fans an enticing striptease. Guy can dream, right?

Franchise can't find his slider yet and his fastball clearly is not hitting its spots. Could it be the long layoff? Could it be the surgery taking some of the bite off of his pitches? Is it just an early season slump? Nope, it's clearly Craig Monroe's fault. Maybe we should cut him.

I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!!

They did it. They really really did it.

JASON BARTLETT IS THE TWINS' BEST PLAYER

Deciding to severely one hop a routine ground ball with two outs and runners at 2nd and 3rd, Jason Bartlett secured his status as a Twins legend on Tuesday night in a 6-5 Twins victory over the Retirement Land Satan Rays. Joe Mauer went 3 for 4 nearly earning the $9+ million we'll be shelling out for a guy with no power over the next four years (hate, hate, hate). And He Shall Be a Livan was less than stellar giving up 5 runs (3 were his fault) in 6 innings. Tied at 5, the Twins trotted in their bullpen, and to my amazement, they decided that on this night they weren't going to try and do their impression of Ricky Martin's career (take that!).

Another tip of the cap to Carl Crawford who made a sensational diving catch......... in foul territory.......... to allow the winning run to tag up and score.

Crawford's play would normally be deemed great, except that there was only one out in the inning. Sprawled out to make the catch, Crawford was unable to make the throw home in time to beat Young, who tagged up and scored on the sacrifice fly.

"I didn't know if it was fair or foul, I was just trying to get an out," Crawford said after the game.

Crawford then had rain on his wedding day, a free ride when he already paid, took some great advice and didn't take it. Who would have thought it figured. Twitch came in to close it out in Eddie Guaradado fashion by allowing a runner to get into scoring position before finally slamming the door. Finale tonight of this two game series, if we sweep, I'm getting drunk to celebrate. If we lose, drowning my pain. If somehow we tie, you don't even want to know, but it involves 3 Unisom, 4 AA batteries, and a lot of paper towels.

TWINS STARTERS START SMALL, CONTAINABLE FIRE, BULLPEN BRINGS GASOLINE

Son of a bitch. Darn, heck, shoot, poop. Just when you think you have one reliable thing on your team, they swoop in like a bat out of hell and shit on everything. Everything. Monday night, the Twins had leads of 5-0 and 9-5 going into the bottom of the 8th. Then Matty G and Knee-Shack decided that it was too cold to throw anything but a fastball with no movement right down the tubes to one of the most potent offenses in the game, a decision that in hind sight, they're probably regretting.

"A pretty wild night," manager Ron Gardenhire said. "When you go with Matty Guerrier and Neshek, that's our best two setup guys. They normally don't give up too much. But I think you see a little bit of what the Tigers can do when you don't make pitches.

"We didn't make too many good pitches from about the bottom of the sixth on. We got balls up, and lot of pitches out and over. They were just killing it. And we couldn't stop them."

Top notch analyzation there by Gardy. So, all right, the Tigers caught fire, banged out six runs in an inning against the bullpen, great, that's all the runs they'll surrender for the next month.... Until last night and that fresh hell happened.

The Twins instead turned to Jesse Crain, who made just his fourth appearance of the season after missing nearly all of last season due to shoulder surgery.

Crain looked to be back in form at the start of the inning, striking out Clete Thomas with a 96-mph fastball for the first out in the eighth. Crain got himself into a bit of trouble, however, when he walked the next batter, Placido Polanco.

The problems multiplied for Crain during the next at-bat when he sailed a throw over the head of first baseman Justin Morneau. Crain's throwing error allowed Polanco to advance to third and put the tying run just 90 feet away.

Get.....him......out......of......there.

Crain got a big out when Gary Sheffield popped out to catcher Joe Mauer ('bout time), bringing Magglio Ordonez to the plate with two outs. On what Crain felt was a good pitch, Ordonez smacked a double into right field that knotted the game at 4.

Sweet Jesus, what else does this guy have to do to get pulled?

Miguel Cabrera then came to the plate and belted a 95-mph fastball up in the zone over the left field fence to put the Tigers up, 6-4.

...........siiiiiigh......... so Jesse, what'd you think of the game?

"Coming back [from the surgery], it's good to be out there in those situations again," Crain said.

Eye of the tiger there, J-Crain, eye of the tiger. Nothing like surrendering a lead in a divisional game and saying "Awwww shucks, tomorrow'll be betta', du hur!" Jason Bartlett and Matt Garza make their return home to the giant inflatable toilet tonight. Seeing as our bullpen is about as reliable as a pregnant woman's mood, I hope Livan brings the nasty, nasty tonight or else the Satan Rays will ride out of town with a sweep. Now if you'd excuse me, Jesse Crain and I are going to go play acoustic guitar and really get to know ourselves.

JASON KUBEL WAS GOOD AT BASEBALL YESTERDAY

Jason Kubel stuck it to the man last night by registering six, count 'em, six RBI's as well as showing protest against the establishment by refusing to shave for the 151st game in a row (Bruce Sutter, look out!). Scott Baker did his best to keep the White Sox in the game by making it interesting and allowing three unanswered White Sox runs while being given a 7-0 lead, but was able to irk out the win nonetheless to bring his career total to a whopping nineteen wins.

"He had a big night," Gardenhire said of Kubel, who finished with six RBI. "I've always said, I really believe this guy can hit. And you know what? He's going to get plenty of opportunities this year. He had 450 [plate appearances] last year, and I think he's going to get more than that this year."

To which a still injured Cuddyer ripped off the splint on his finger and said, "The fuck he is!"

Oh and by the way, Anaheim?

http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?video=200804092509773

Click on that. You can keep your $90 million dollar guy. Chucky 4000 plays for $12.65/game and a cheap lease agreement to live in his locker.

THE TIGERS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCK

Casual baseball fans are retarded. The Tigers have started the season 0-7 and everyone who knows nothing about baseball is panicking like an unemployed Sherpa in Kansas (a-thank you). ESPN (Eastern Sensationalist Propaganda Nonsense) is throwing up stats like 'NO TEAM THAT STARTED 0-7 HAS EVER MADE THE POST SEASON! IF YOU LIVE IN DETROIT, GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE THEY HIT 0-10!" This isn't football, an 0-7 start means nothing. It's like starting a basketball game and going down 7-0 in like the first two minutes. Here are some stats you need to pay attention to:

- There are 155 games left to play and the Tigers are 5 games back. Yeah, time to start packing up for the winter.
- No team has ever started 0-7 and made the post season. True, but I can also bet all those teams had some fucknut named Duffy Dwyer batting three hole hitting .250 on the year with 14 or less jacks, not dudes who could start on any team in the league 1-9.
- Miggity Cabriggity is 2/20 thus far. Yeah, he's going to rock .100 for the rest of the year, then go home to his big pile of cash and laugh like a scoundrel.
- Granderson is hurt.
- Most teams will have a swoon like this.
- Detroit is a terrible city, new players getting used to playing in complete poverty.

Detroit will probably win the Central still, but if they go 0-162, I will buy everyone who is pushing the panic button already a delicious steak dinner. The people in Detroit could use it. Ya know, cause of the poverty.

EARLY SEASON BASEBALL IS RIVETING

The baseball season now in full swing, and it couldn't be more boring. You know how people only tune in for like the last five minutes of a basketball game, I'm tempted to do that with the Twins this year. April is all about finding your swing, staying healthy, putting the ball in play, staying out of jail, etc. Wake me up at the All-Star break.

Cuddy went down with a dislocated finger diving into third base against the Royals last Friday evening meaning that Jason "I Look Like a Fiddler For Toby Keith" Kubel will be taking over in right field. Great. Another left handed bat, just what we needed. Giving the Twins another left handed bat is like giving the Pope a cross for his birthday, let's face it, both have some to spare.

This Blackburn cat has been changing haters thus far. He keeps his fastball low and has yet to have the big inning that dooms so many young pitchers. The battery of him and Mr. Electricity Joe "Big Pink" Mauer could squeeze out a solid 13 plus wins for the young hurler. In addition to this, he also isn't named Craig Monroe, so that makes me like him even more.

Congratulations to Justin More-know for his slump busting home run that traveled upwards of 943 feet against the Royals on Saturday. Great work J. After going hitless against a staff that'll probably lead the Halos to the American League West crown, you decided to start hitting the cover off the ball against the Royales With Cheese. This is the playground equivalent of getting beaten up by everyone your own age, saying the hell with it, and picking on the first graders. J-Mo has a much bigger responsibility now that he doesn't have Cuddyer protecting him. If I were a left handed pitcher in the American Leauge right now, I'd be licking my chops, cause with Cuddyer out, Morneau will probably try to do too much. If you throw Senor Canadian Bacon nothing but outside sliders that hit the dirt, it's basically baseball's very own Major Bison slide kick that we all used as a kid, was cheap as hell, but oh so effective.

Off day today. Tomorrow, Danks vs. Scotty Baker, who will no doubt take the mound with a wowwie pop and a slingshot in his back pocket. Let's go hometown nine!

TORII HUNTER IS A BABY

During last night's dome debacle, which we needn't get into, Bonser couldn't keep the fastball low, Garland threw I think a total of maybe 17 pitches all night, the Twins hit more grounders than a coach doing infield practice, etc. Torri Hunter caused the stir of the game when he pissed and moaned after the game after being plunked by Juan "Headhunter" Rincon.

"Maybe, maybe not," Hunter said when asked if he thought Rincon was throwing at him. "I kind of have mixed feelings. When he came [to the Twins], we clicked pretty good. Maybe they had a bet on who would hit Torii first."

OK, let's get a few things straight here. Firstly, you're not George Foreman, so if you ever refer to yourself in the third person again, I'm going to show that play where you blew Game 2 for us against the A's on loop. What a classy move, come back to the place that gave you a career, get plunked, and act like a martyr about it. Torii's probably thinking the Twins did this to take the bat out of his hands, but the way he's swinging, we might as well do that Rookie of the Year "float it" pitch to him.

LIVAN HERNANDEZ WILL BORE YOU TO AN OUT

Livan Hernandez let up two earned runs to a pretty stacked line up last night without, get this, having a single pitch go over 85 MPH. Dude, I drive my stupid K-Car faster than that on Olympic. How irritating must that have been for the Anaheimers? Not only do you have this guy who's been pitching since Carter was in office facing you, but you get shut down by a guy who used nothing but veteran grit and his ability to out-fox you for seven innings.

Boof is on the bump tonight, that should be fun. Apparently he shed 20 pounds in the offseason by eating right and exercising, two activities that, as a highly paid professional athlete, he forgot to do last year during his days off. The Angels do have some free swingers, so if Boof can get ahead consistently tonight, he should be fine. If he gets behind, it's going to be souvenir night in the left field porch. 2-0 here we come!