MERCURY MORRIS LOOK OUT

Mercury Morris, the Twins are in your living room and eating your potato chips. Hell, we get a win tomorrow, we're upstairs housing your wife. Yes, the Twins took the first step to perfection this evening with a workmanlike 3-2 victory over the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Southern California in North Amer.... you get the bit. And he shall be a Livan Hernandez was prime out there going 7 strong before handing the ball over to Patty Knee Shack and Twitch. Side note, does anyone else feel bad for Joe Nathan? I mean, I don't feel bad for the man in the sense that he makes a King's ransom to work a total of fifteen minutesa night, but ever since signing that contract, if homeboy comes out and lets up as much as a hit, I know John Q. Twins Fan immediately starts thinking, "Hey, Joe, what the hell?"

However, my MVP of tonight's match was definitely Chucky 4000. He went two for three while putting Joe "Stiff Ground Ball" Mauer's ability to good use. Twice tonight the Twins used Mauer to move Chucky over to third with a ground ball to Kendrick, which is a much more welcome result than the usual "4-6-3 rally ending double play but let's hop on his nuts cause he had two two out nobody on singles". Man, where did that come from?

A high five also goes out to Delmon Young , who in his first night as a Twin has one more hit ball than hit ump, which is always a welcome addition. Two calls I will make after one night:

1. Craig Monroe will not be in the starting line up on June 10.
2. Adam Everett will leave thrice as many dudes on base (6 tonight) than he will have RBIs this season.

In summation, we are 1-0 and 161 more consecutive wins away from sending Mercury Morris to the street. Go Twins Go!

OUR ONLY HOPE AT AN UNDEFEATED SEASON COMES DOWN TO TONIGHT

When I was younger, my goal in life was to run a marathon and right before the gun was about to go off, sneak to the front and sprint as long as I possibly could just so I could say I led the race before tiring out and probably grabbing a smoke and a pancake. This is what the Twins need to do tonight. If the game gets into the 8th and we're tied, I want Liriano trotting out there. If someone turns an ankle and it won't turn into a nagging injury if we just sit them for the night, I'm not having it, take a salt tablet and get out there, Nancy. This is a sprint, not a marathon.

On the hill tonight will be Livan Hernandez. I looked him up and did you know that this guy is only 32 years old?
I think he came up through the Chicago Orphans farm system back in nineteen diggity two. Seriously, how is he only 32? I think there might be some funny El Duque bull crap going on down here.

Chucky 4000 will be starting tonight after he pulled his hamstring or whatever in the second to last pre-season game, which bodes well for the defensive prowess of the outfield. Watched highlights of Cuddyer gunning 'mos from the outfield and toweled up the results for the next hour and a half (gross).

Had a dream the other night where Mike Lamb suffered a season ending injury thus putting Punto in for him full time. Needless to say I woke up with that thing where you jolt up and start screaming like in the movies.

Two hours 'til post time. I'm really excited for the White Sox this year, Jim Thome is on pace to hit 324 home runs and have 648 RBIs. I'm really hoping he continues his assault!

SCOTT BAKER TAKING TIME TO REST BODY, GO THROUGH PUBERTY

Using an exhausting off-season work out regiment to strengthen his lower body/lose the last of his baby fat, Scott Baker was skipped over for his scheduled Grapefruit League start complaining of fatigue/his parents won't let him do ANYTHING.

"You are still dealing with the fact that he's very weak and he doesn't have a lot of energy," Gardenhire said. "To feel good walking in the clubhouse is one thing. To feel good when you start coming out and getting after it, that's when you'll see a little more of where you are at."

Baker will pitch in a Minor League stint today and has set a goal of reaching the 5th inning. If he gets into the 6th, Gardenhire has promised to reward him by letting him stay up an extra half an hour past his bed time.

JOE CHRISTENSEN DIDN'T JUST DRINK THE KOOL-AID, HE WENT BACK FOR SECONDS

As much as I love wild rampant optimism and not crying that it's over but being happy that it happened and all of that grab ass, Joe Christensen plopped himself a top of Mt. Homersota with his lovely article on the outlook on the Twins season.

I’m a glass-is-half-full kind of guy, and it’s easy to believe teams are going to be better when the people you cover are brimming with optimism. The Twins haven’t lost a game since Sept. 29 (Wakefield over Blackburn at Fenway Park.....

And it goes on like this....

For me, the fact Liriano probably won’t open the season with the team was almost the straw that broke the camel’s back. But then I caught myself. In baseball, it’s not about how you start, it’s how you finish. For five weeks, all of us tend to obsess about the Opening Day roster. We grab the preview magazines and study each team’s projected lineup and rotation and base our early predictions on those.

True, not knowing the status of your supposed ace on opening day is nothing to worry about, thanks Joe!

Baker is not a No. 5 starter. He looked terrific early in camp (until he got hurt), and by about mid-April, I expect him to look solid again. Liriano did not have some major setback in spring training. By mid-April, he could become a force again, if not quite as dominant as 2006, something approaching that.

Now, to his credit, Joe didn't go as far as saying the Twins would win the division running away, but if I get a call from him to join his local church group, robes to be provided, I'm telling him I'm washing my hair that night.

IF YOU WALK CLOSE ENOUGH TO KENT HRBEK, YOU WILL BEGIN ORBITING HIM

So I finally saw the new Twins Territory ad with Delmon "Take That Blue" Young meeting with three sages about how to hit effectively. As the commercial goes along, we come to find out the three wise men are Tony Olivia, Jewish convert Rod Carew, and Harmon Killebrew. Very cute, sort of clever, yeah yeah, but the worst part is at the end when Delmon is walking out, bat on shoulder, presumably to javelin throw at Angel Hernandez, and who shows up to give A+ hitting advice but Kent Hrbek. Really? Hrbek? We just heard hitting advice from two Hall of Famers and one who went to six straight All-Star Games, and the dessert of this baseball platter is the guy who humped Ron Gant off of first base? Really? Kent Hrbek hit north of .300 twice in his whole career. Having him in this commercial is the equivalent of having a Top 40 All Time Song countdown, getting to #4 and throwing in "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles to make sure everyone is paying attention. Kent Hrbek, what, was Denny Hocking too busy at the rest stop?

CARLOS GOMEZ IS LUCKY

With the demotion to the Ro-chester the molester Red Wings of Denard "I'll Make People Forget About Hunter, I Swear!" Span, it has become clear that something named Carlos Gomez will be replacing the perennial Gold Glover in Center Field. Along with Span, the hometown nine gave the proverbial "Don't let the door hit you where the Lord split you" to Jason Pridie, Phillip Humber (the golden calf from the Santana trade), and Denny Hocking wannabe Brian Buscher.

To summarize, we replaced a dude who has racked 192 dingers while basically placing a giant vortex in center with a guy who is 20 minutes older than me and hit .232 last year in 58 games, easily beating out the left fielder by committee of the Twins a year ago for the Nick Punto honorary MVP Award. On the up and up, Gomez (whose nickname will hence forth me Chucky 4000) hit .286 this Spring with six driven in and 10 thieves in 15 contests, which means if this was 2005, he'd be batting 3 hole and we'd be told that he makes Willie Mays look like a child pornographer (thank you James Lipton).

If Gomez can get an OBA of .350 and swipe 40 bases or more, Torii Hunter and his 90 million dollars and $35,000 braces will not not be missed as much as most people, your humble narrator included, will think. Let us all raise our Strohs Light and hope Chucky 4000 gets on base a ton and runs, runs, runs. Either that or inject him with HGH and have him eat nothing but steak after steak and try to get 25 jacks out of him. Both options I'm cool with.

JOE NATHAN GOT PAAAAAAAAAAAAAID

Finally realizing that it is useless to line his ever present coffin with hundred dollar bills,

Scrooge McDuck Carl Pohlad opened up his wallet and gave All-Star closer/fabulous dancer Joe Nathan a new three year contract.

The Minnesota Twins have locked up franchise closer Joe Nathan into the next decade.

The Twins and Nathan agreed to terms on a three-year contract extension with a club option for 2012, the team announced Monday.

Financial terms were not disclosed, but ESPN.com reported that the righthander will receive between $11-12 million annually.

In the past 12-13 months the Twins have signed Mauer, Morneau, Cuddy, and now Nathan to contract extensions while shipping off Hunter to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County in Southern California in the Northern Hemisphere and Jo-hizzle to the New York 7 1/2 games ahead Mets. Apparently as he turns around and sees Death's hand constantly reaching for him, Pohlad gave direction to Bill Smith to make the clubhouse full of those guys in High School who worked on their trucks, had a banging hot girlfriend for some reason, and spoke maybe 17 words a year. Thank God we shipped off Torri and Johan, the two guys who weren't mimes in the entire clubhouse. They were obviously annoying Mauer to the point that it hurt his knee. Grad students, if you need to get studying done, there's not a quieter place in America than the Twins clubhouse. Unless Delmon is throwing bats. Just don't wear ump colors.

With this new chunk of change being dropped on him, Joe Nathan was quoted as saying he's going to pay off his student loans, buy a new F-Series (or whatever the devil people are driving to their ice houses), and use the rest to buy crate upon crate of whatever medication it takes to alleviate his severe case of Tourette Syndrome.