JOSH HAMILTON GUNNING FOR THE TRIPLE CROWN......... THAT'S NOT A DRUG JOKE EITHER

Recovering addict/current rat bastard Josh Hamilton hit one deep in the 10th to give the Walker Texas Rangers a ten inning win yesterday, taking two out of three at the Dome. This is the point where I would start firing away with a flurry of heroin addict jokes, like how many heroin addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb, what's big, red, and dripping in heroin, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a heroin addict all walk into a bar, etc. but I won't, cause I'm too classy. Twice the Twins squandered chances to put the game away both in the 7th and 8th inning, but alas, we're the Twins and the term "clutch hitting" means about as much to us as "ketchup vacuum" or "Unicorn spaceship" or "French Army". Fucking frogs.

"You have one of the hottest hitters in baseball beat us, and you never want to let that guy beat you," Justin Morneau said. "But the guy hitting behind him [Milton Bradley, who went 2-for-4 with a double] is swinging a good bat, too, so it's kind of tough. Do you walk him and give the guy behind him a chance? It's one of those things."

Move over Tim McCarver!

Bass said he just left the ball up. He acknowledged Hamilton is one of those hitters that you absolutely cannot afford to make a mistake to.

"That is what you are supposed to do with a hanging slider, hit it out of the ballpark," Bass said. "That's what he did."

The Twins are now 3.5 back with a series in Detroit coming up this weekend. Hope the Tigers already got their "fix" of hitting clutch home runs. Damnit, I was doing so good too.

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Really? Did Sidney Ponson seriously throw a complete game against us last night? What, Scott Erickson was busy?

"He just didn't have his arm strength where he wanted it last year," Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said. "He didn't have his location. But he's pitched in this league a long time, and he has a track record here. He knows how to pitch here. Now he feels better. His arm feels better. His body feels better. And tonight he did what he was supposed to do. He pitched with a lead and shut us down."

Ponson has a history of doing destruction against the Twins. He holds a 10-2 career record with a 2.42 ERA in 15 career contests (14 starts) vs. Minnesota.

By any and all reasonable assertations, Sidney Ponson should have been dead some time ago. The fact that he threw nothing but sinker after sinker after sinker to a team with speed and let up a single run in 9 strong makes me question the validity of this sport or athletic competition in general. This is the same dude that last year looked like he jumped in a pool sweat wise after leaning over to pick up the rosin bag before the 1st inning.

But despite the way his time in Minnesota ended, Ponson said Wednesday that he holds no animosity toward the team.

"I played for them and they gave me a chance," said Ponson, who is now 3-0 with a 2.95 ERA for the Rangers. "I have a lot of good friends on that team, but when I go between the lines, I'm trying to give my own team a chance to win."

That dick. I thought since he had buddies on the Twins that'd he pay us back for last year's nightly Home Runpalooza that became a staple of every fifth start. Also, how the hell would you hold animosity against the Twins? You were on the team for the amount of time it takes to get a bowel movement in. Plus we had to stare at that thing on the top of your head that looked like a mop that had just gone through a puddle of olive oil, believe me, if there's any hard feelings, it's the fan base against Sidney "The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man" Ponson.

TWINS TO PLAY RANGERS 162 TIMES NEXT YEAR

Remember growing up and playing ball as a kid? Remember those teams, whether you were on them or playing them, who were soooo bad that their defensive innings seemed to just go on and on and on and on? Like they'd seriously have two outs for upwards of 45 minutes. The pitcher just walking fools left and right. The second baseman looked like he had hands made of carbonite. The coach hiding his face as well as his flask in his hat as ulcer after crippling ulcer consumed what was left of his black morbid soul? Yeah, the Texas Rangers are that team. I mean, seriously, holy shit they looked bad last night.

Alexi Casilla brought Gomez home by beating out a grounder to short, and went to third on Joe Mauer's double. Mathis did get Justin Morneau on a line drive to short, and Michael Cuddyer followed with a grounder to German Duran at third. Casilla broke for home, and Duran threw him out with a strike to catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia. Mauer tried to go to third on the play, and Saltalamacchia did not throw a strike back to Duran. Instead, he bounced his throw and it went into left field, allowing another run to score.

That's another thing teams that suck like to do, throw the ball around until everyone on base scores. They just don't know when to quit. Most of these kids grow up to be alcoholics. Or dog kickers.

In other news, Ron Gardenhire apparently showed up to the Dome drunk on Monday.

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire is well aware of the rule that a team cannot make two visits to the mound during the same at-bat.

Gardenhire's near-blunder came after Rincon had fallen behind, 2-0, to Ramon Vazquez with one out in the 11th. That's when the skipper charged out of the dugout, heading toward the mound to take Rincon out of the game. Before he got even halfway to the third-base line, however, Gardenhire turned around just as quickly and headed back to the dugout.

You know, for a guy whose job it is to sit on the bench, wear a funny looking jacket, and adjust your balls every 5-7 minutes, you'd think he could remember this rule.

WHERE ELSE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

Apparently Twins fans found something better to do then sit inside in an uncomfortable chair and watch a mediocre baseball team. The bastards. Attendance is down almost 3,000 people a game this year from around 27,000 to 24,000, making the Twins slightly more popular than the hunting opener. Which, when trying to ditch the inbred tag, can only help the cause.

The economy has had some effect on attendance at the Metrodome, as after 24 home games they have drawn some 60,000 fewer fans than a year ago.

Through 24 games last season, they drew 652,612 fans, an average of 27,192 per game. They played their 24th home game of 2008 on Thursday, losing 3-2 to the Blue Jays in 11 innings in front of an announced 18,701. That put their attendance this year at 592,249, an average of 24,677.

There's clearly only one solution.

LIVAN HERNANDEZ > GROVER CLEVELAND ALEXANDER

With a blistering fastball topping out at 43.6 MPH, Livan Hernandez shrugged off Manny hitting one off of the banner that used to say Funcoland, that place ruled, to record his 6th win of the year. Joe Mauer and J Mo Mo got on base a total of five times and you know what, my hate level on Craig Monroe is slowly dying. Mike Lamb, you're in trouble.

"I think we've got a lot of balance throughout the lineup so we've got a lot of options," right fielder Michael Cuddyer said. "Our bench is pretty strong as well. I think any time you can give Gardy that kind of flexibility, to go through the lineup and exchange guys and not miss a beat, it's nice. That's what we didn't have last year."

Cuddy's full of shit, they gave up on Rondell White waaaaay too soon. It's nice to see that if someone is sucking on the field, that there's someone on the bench who might suck a little less.

On the injury front, Pat Neshek has been shelved for the year. Funny, I would have never guessed this would ever happened based off of his delivery.

IF THERE WAS ANOTHER BASE IN BASEBALL, CHUCKY 4000 WOULD HAVE HIT FOR THAT AS WELL

As the Twins put the finishing touches on what has now become an annual ass beating of the South Side Rats, Chucky 4000 decided that he was going to make it even more memorable of an ass beating by striking the baseball several times into the field of play thus resulting in ending up on each base at one point throughout the evening of baseballery.

Gomez put on a display at U.S. Cellular Field on Wednesday night, delivering the reverse cycle. He led off the first inning with a home run, then hit a triple in the fifth, a double in the sixth and finished off the cycle by delivering an infield single in the ninth.

At 22 years old, he became the 3rd youngest player to hit for the cycle behind Alex Rodriguez and Henry Rowangartner. In this 13-1 beatdown, and he shall be a Livan pitched a complete game giving the bullpen much deserved rest. I am convinced that we could get very well get 15-16 wins out of him this year. I am also convinced that he is nowhere near the 32 years of age he says he is, mostly because he looks older and he gave the game ball to his grandkids.

You know who loves the Twins even more than I do? Ozzie Guillen. Here's what he had to say last night:

"Fir dime I saw dis kid, I tell a couple pepelle, 'Don forgat his llamo,'" Guillen said of Gomez. "He go ta stay healdy, but he goi to bri a lot of goo dings fo the game."

............ I think that was good. Anyway, we're off the shnibe, Punto's hurt (yes!), and the doctor says it won't come back for at least a few months. Life is looking up!

NICE NO-HITTER, IDIOT

What if Jordan would have missed that shot against the Jazz? How about if Dwight Clark would have dropped that leaping grab from Montana in the back of the end zone? They would have been nobodies, especially that Jordan character, because they couldn't finish when it mattered most. On that note, I present to thee Gavin Floyd, a man who got all the poor folk on the South Side's hopes up only to have them dashed because he is a forgettable failure/loser of a pitcher. With one out in the top of the ninth, Gavin Floyd let up a trademark meatball to Baby Jesus Joe Mauer that was ripped into the left field gap for a double, thankfully keeping this complete hack out of an exclusive club of pitchers who have recorded a no-hitter. I mean, jeeze, how hard is it to get two more outs? What a freaking failure.

"He got better as the game went on because, at the start, he wasn't very good at all," said White Sox catcher A.J. Piersuckski, who caught Floyd's one-hit effort on April 12 and Mark Buehrle's no-hitter on April 18, 2007. "He pitched great, and it was a lot of fun. It was a shame that Mauer found the gap and the ball fell in. That's the way baseball works some times."

A.J.'s exactly right. Along with a double falling in, standing on the top step yelling obscenities at an opponent as well as trying to critically injure their MVP first basemen are also part of the game. Hey, A.J., how's that poker face treating you?

"I hoped it was an out," added the low-key Floyd of Mauer's one-out high drive. "But I was just excited we won."

If the no-hitter would have happened, it would have been the best thing to happen to the White Sox since their 2005 World Series Championship. Unfortunately, the best event before that was Disco Demolition Night, and before that, this was.

HOT PUERTO RICAN ACTION!!!

Ozzie Guillen, in case you don't know, is a crazy man who led the White Sox to the 2005 World Series while at the same time creating his very own dialect of English. At least I think it's English. Anyway, after being swept by the B-Jays, Guillen decided that the best thing to do for his team was to go ape shit on reporters. Call his strategy unorthodox, but I'll be willing to bet that yelling and screaming in a sport that requires emotions to be in check at all times will definitely pay off for the South Side Rats. Let's enjoy:

"Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups -- 'Call up this guy, call up that guy.' ... If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best [stuff] in town. Now we're [bleep]," Guillen said to the aforementioned Chicago media before the game.

Guillen observed that Chicago still loved the Cubs, even though they have not won a World Series since 1908, but the White Sox -- winners of the 2005 World Series -- did not receive the same affectionate support.

Hahahaha, what a douche. But he kept the magic coming....

"We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[bleep]," Guillen said, according to the Chicago Tribune. "The Cubs haven't won in [100] years, and they're the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we're good. [Bleep] everybody. We're horse[bleep], and we're going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win.

"We are the [bleep] of Chicago. We're the Chicago [bleep]. We have the worst owner [Jerry Reinsdorf]. The guy's got seven [bleeping] rings, and he's the [bleeping] horse[bleep] owner."

Guillen brought up Elia, the former Cubs manager who blew his gasket over what he considered to be ungrateful, unforgiving and unsupportive Cubs fans in an infamous tirade that recently marked its 25th anniversary.

"How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bull[bleep]? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my [stuff]. I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, 'Here, give me money, here's the 10-year anniversary of my time I called [Jay] Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North,' " Guillen said.

No doubt the best part of this isn't about how pissed he is that the Cubs get more attention or that everyone is counting his team out. He definitely won me over when he started getting irate over the fact that people think that Elia can out rant him. Your team just lost and you're pissed off that people are masquerading about town not being down on the Sox for losing, but instead thinking, "Hmmm, Ozzie sure can get worked up, but if I want to be around someone who's just going to take a legendary shit on everything, I don't know if he can shake a fist at Lee Elia." Really Ozzie, really? This is what keeps you up at night? Oh, P.S., your son goes to Columbia and from what I'm told, is a total melvin. Maybe open mouth kissing him around reporters wasn't the best P.R. move....

5-0 HOMESTAND, 1ST PLACE IN THE DIVISION, NOTHING TO HATE ON

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THE TIGERS ARE GOOD NOW, I GUESS

Remember when everyone thought that the Tigers were going to disband after starting so slow? Remember that? Yeah? When they were bad and couldn't win a game and everyone thought they were going to go 0-162 and that Jim Leyland was going to be out of a job by mid-April? When signing Miguel Carbrera was the worst mistake since the Macarena and that Justin Verlander had peaked at age 24 or whatever? Remember?

Well that group of has beens just swept the Yankees at the Stadium, are only 1.5 games back at the end of April, and have everything going the right way.

"We're that light on the oncoming train," closer Todd Jones proclaimed after the Tigers finished off their three-game sweep of the Yankees on Thursday night to step onto the brink of break-even.

Two and a half weeks ago, they were the 2-10 cautionary tale of baseball, a collection of injured position players, ineffective starters and rehabbing relievers. It hasn't all been a masterpiece since, especially on the injury front, and they haven't won more than four games in a row. Yet by winning seven of their last nine and 11 of their last 16, they're close enough to erase the memory of their opening homestand.

The Twins are fresh off a riveting two game sweep (which is just Un-American) of the South Side Rats. Livan on the bump. Baby Jesus Joe Mauer swinging well. It's Friday night and you don't got shit to do.