I DON'T LIKE THE TWINS ANYMORE

Losers, losers, losers. I hope they turn it around tonigh.... wait day game? Wait for it, wait for it.... losers. The home town nine slipped into the South Side (presumably their hotel was on the North Side because hotels around US Cellular Field are made of cardboard) only 2 1/2 games back and will take the Mega Bus to Cleveland (Pohlad's still the owner bear in mind) back 6 1/2 as the South Side Rats bent them over and made the Twins call them Daddy.

Minnesota had built an early 5-2 lead courtesy of the bats of Michael Cuddyer and Jason Kubel against Chicago left-hander John Danks. A three-run third inning for the Twins began with Cuddyer's RBI single to center and Jason Kubel's two-run double to right. Cuddyer then drove in two more runs in the fifth with a double to left field.

Whoo!! Lock down mode, let's go 'pen!

But with the Twins holding that three-run lead, Perkins walked Jim Thome (no) with one out in the bottom of the fifth. Right-hander Jesse Crain replaced Perkins and got into trouble. He gave up a two-run homer to Nick Swisher (this is going poorly), his second long ball of the game, to pull Chicago within one.

Matt Guerrier then came in for the seventh. A leadoff double by Orlando Cabrera (Renteria's best man I hear) put the tying run on base. Guerrier (3-2) gave up another hit before Carlos Quentin grounded into a fielder's choice, scoring Cabrera and knotting the game at 5.

This team is taking years off my life.

It wouldn't remain tied for long. Paul Konerko hit his second home run of the season vs. the Twins, a two-run shot to right field, which gave Chicago a 7-5 lead.

The Twins will try to right the ship in America's most beautiful city, home of Drew Carey, colorful air, and hosts of fat women with dubious morals. Twins baseball! Bullpen optional!

BONSER AND HIS STUPID GOATEE HEADED TO BULLPEN

Boof Bonser (although it might be Skeet Ulrich) was finally sent to the bullpen in favor of Scott Baker. Ouch. The only time you should be replaced by Scott Baker in anything is when the director of the commercial comes up to you and says "Buddy, you just aren't young enough to look like an eleven year old enjoying his Micro Machines anymore".

As for what Bonser's role will be in relief, Gardenhire said that it will depend on where the pitcher is needed in the upcoming days.

"We'll use him however we can," Gardenhire said. "I'm not afraid to put him anywhere out there."

Really? Because I'm afraid to put Boof on the hill in any situation where there is a batter waiting to strike the ball.

In other news, apparently Nick Punto is still alive and he wants back on the team. This is welcoming news as the Twins need that jolt in the lineup, the guy who will dive when it's unnecessary, not work the pitcher, and pop up to the catcher when runners are in scoring position. You thought the Twins were good now? You just wait!

BLACKBURN IS ALSO THE FRENCH WORD FOR POPPED COLLAR

Nick Blackburn took one off the coconut but the bullpen held up their end of the bargain as the Twins pulled out the 5-1 victory. After a number of tests by alleged "doctors" (don't trust them myself, I'll stick with my leaches thank you very much) it was announced that Blackburn wouldn't even miss a start, leading me to believe he was faking the whole time. Go back to your Italian League Soccer you pussy!

"It feels way better than I thought it possibly could," Blackburn said.

Blackburn was limited in his activity on Monday. The Twins' training staff wanted the swelling in his face to subside some, although it was already drastically reduced from the previous day when he iced it "every 20 minutes until like 1 a.m."

The right-hander is still scheduled to throw his between-starts bullpen session on Tuesday, and Blackburn said he expects to make his next outing on Friday in Chicago.

He might not miss his next start because of this alleged liner to the chops (conspiracy if you ask me, did you see the direction his head darted backwards? Faker.) but he might have to miss it if he trips on his skirt.

JOSH HAMILTON GUNNING FOR THE TRIPLE CROWN......... THAT'S NOT A DRUG JOKE EITHER

Recovering addict/current rat bastard Josh Hamilton hit one deep in the 10th to give the Walker Texas Rangers a ten inning win yesterday, taking two out of three at the Dome. This is the point where I would start firing away with a flurry of heroin addict jokes, like how many heroin addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb, what's big, red, and dripping in heroin, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a heroin addict all walk into a bar, etc. but I won't, cause I'm too classy. Twice the Twins squandered chances to put the game away both in the 7th and 8th inning, but alas, we're the Twins and the term "clutch hitting" means about as much to us as "ketchup vacuum" or "Unicorn spaceship" or "French Army". Fucking frogs.

"You have one of the hottest hitters in baseball beat us, and you never want to let that guy beat you," Justin Morneau said. "But the guy hitting behind him [Milton Bradley, who went 2-for-4 with a double] is swinging a good bat, too, so it's kind of tough. Do you walk him and give the guy behind him a chance? It's one of those things."

Move over Tim McCarver!

Bass said he just left the ball up. He acknowledged Hamilton is one of those hitters that you absolutely cannot afford to make a mistake to.

"That is what you are supposed to do with a hanging slider, hit it out of the ballpark," Bass said. "That's what he did."

The Twins are now 3.5 back with a series in Detroit coming up this weekend. Hope the Tigers already got their "fix" of hitting clutch home runs. Damnit, I was doing so good too.

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Really? Did Sidney Ponson seriously throw a complete game against us last night? What, Scott Erickson was busy?

"He just didn't have his arm strength where he wanted it last year," Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said. "He didn't have his location. But he's pitched in this league a long time, and he has a track record here. He knows how to pitch here. Now he feels better. His arm feels better. His body feels better. And tonight he did what he was supposed to do. He pitched with a lead and shut us down."

Ponson has a history of doing destruction against the Twins. He holds a 10-2 career record with a 2.42 ERA in 15 career contests (14 starts) vs. Minnesota.

By any and all reasonable assertations, Sidney Ponson should have been dead some time ago. The fact that he threw nothing but sinker after sinker after sinker to a team with speed and let up a single run in 9 strong makes me question the validity of this sport or athletic competition in general. This is the same dude that last year looked like he jumped in a pool sweat wise after leaning over to pick up the rosin bag before the 1st inning.

But despite the way his time in Minnesota ended, Ponson said Wednesday that he holds no animosity toward the team.

"I played for them and they gave me a chance," said Ponson, who is now 3-0 with a 2.95 ERA for the Rangers. "I have a lot of good friends on that team, but when I go between the lines, I'm trying to give my own team a chance to win."

That dick. I thought since he had buddies on the Twins that'd he pay us back for last year's nightly Home Runpalooza that became a staple of every fifth start. Also, how the hell would you hold animosity against the Twins? You were on the team for the amount of time it takes to get a bowel movement in. Plus we had to stare at that thing on the top of your head that looked like a mop that had just gone through a puddle of olive oil, believe me, if there's any hard feelings, it's the fan base against Sidney "The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man" Ponson.

TWINS TO PLAY RANGERS 162 TIMES NEXT YEAR

Remember growing up and playing ball as a kid? Remember those teams, whether you were on them or playing them, who were soooo bad that their defensive innings seemed to just go on and on and on and on? Like they'd seriously have two outs for upwards of 45 minutes. The pitcher just walking fools left and right. The second baseman looked like he had hands made of carbonite. The coach hiding his face as well as his flask in his hat as ulcer after crippling ulcer consumed what was left of his black morbid soul? Yeah, the Texas Rangers are that team. I mean, seriously, holy shit they looked bad last night.

Alexi Casilla brought Gomez home by beating out a grounder to short, and went to third on Joe Mauer's double. Mathis did get Justin Morneau on a line drive to short, and Michael Cuddyer followed with a grounder to German Duran at third. Casilla broke for home, and Duran threw him out with a strike to catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia. Mauer tried to go to third on the play, and Saltalamacchia did not throw a strike back to Duran. Instead, he bounced his throw and it went into left field, allowing another run to score.

That's another thing teams that suck like to do, throw the ball around until everyone on base scores. They just don't know when to quit. Most of these kids grow up to be alcoholics. Or dog kickers.

In other news, Ron Gardenhire apparently showed up to the Dome drunk on Monday.

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire is well aware of the rule that a team cannot make two visits to the mound during the same at-bat.

Gardenhire's near-blunder came after Rincon had fallen behind, 2-0, to Ramon Vazquez with one out in the 11th. That's when the skipper charged out of the dugout, heading toward the mound to take Rincon out of the game. Before he got even halfway to the third-base line, however, Gardenhire turned around just as quickly and headed back to the dugout.

You know, for a guy whose job it is to sit on the bench, wear a funny looking jacket, and adjust your balls every 5-7 minutes, you'd think he could remember this rule.

WHERE ELSE DO YOU HAVE TO BE?

Apparently Twins fans found something better to do then sit inside in an uncomfortable chair and watch a mediocre baseball team. The bastards. Attendance is down almost 3,000 people a game this year from around 27,000 to 24,000, making the Twins slightly more popular than the hunting opener. Which, when trying to ditch the inbred tag, can only help the cause.

The economy has had some effect on attendance at the Metrodome, as after 24 home games they have drawn some 60,000 fewer fans than a year ago.

Through 24 games last season, they drew 652,612 fans, an average of 27,192 per game. They played their 24th home game of 2008 on Thursday, losing 3-2 to the Blue Jays in 11 innings in front of an announced 18,701. That put their attendance this year at 592,249, an average of 24,677.

There's clearly only one solution.

LIVAN HERNANDEZ > GROVER CLEVELAND ALEXANDER

With a blistering fastball topping out at 43.6 MPH, Livan Hernandez shrugged off Manny hitting one off of the banner that used to say Funcoland, that place ruled, to record his 6th win of the year. Joe Mauer and J Mo Mo got on base a total of five times and you know what, my hate level on Craig Monroe is slowly dying. Mike Lamb, you're in trouble.

"I think we've got a lot of balance throughout the lineup so we've got a lot of options," right fielder Michael Cuddyer said. "Our bench is pretty strong as well. I think any time you can give Gardy that kind of flexibility, to go through the lineup and exchange guys and not miss a beat, it's nice. That's what we didn't have last year."

Cuddy's full of shit, they gave up on Rondell White waaaaay too soon. It's nice to see that if someone is sucking on the field, that there's someone on the bench who might suck a little less.

On the injury front, Pat Neshek has been shelved for the year. Funny, I would have never guessed this would ever happened based off of his delivery.

IF THERE WAS ANOTHER BASE IN BASEBALL, CHUCKY 4000 WOULD HAVE HIT FOR THAT AS WELL

As the Twins put the finishing touches on what has now become an annual ass beating of the South Side Rats, Chucky 4000 decided that he was going to make it even more memorable of an ass beating by striking the baseball several times into the field of play thus resulting in ending up on each base at one point throughout the evening of baseballery.

Gomez put on a display at U.S. Cellular Field on Wednesday night, delivering the reverse cycle. He led off the first inning with a home run, then hit a triple in the fifth, a double in the sixth and finished off the cycle by delivering an infield single in the ninth.

At 22 years old, he became the 3rd youngest player to hit for the cycle behind Alex Rodriguez and Henry Rowangartner. In this 13-1 beatdown, and he shall be a Livan pitched a complete game giving the bullpen much deserved rest. I am convinced that we could get very well get 15-16 wins out of him this year. I am also convinced that he is nowhere near the 32 years of age he says he is, mostly because he looks older and he gave the game ball to his grandkids.

You know who loves the Twins even more than I do? Ozzie Guillen. Here's what he had to say last night:

"Fir dime I saw dis kid, I tell a couple pepelle, 'Don forgat his llamo,'" Guillen said of Gomez. "He go ta stay healdy, but he goi to bri a lot of goo dings fo the game."

............ I think that was good. Anyway, we're off the shnibe, Punto's hurt (yes!), and the doctor says it won't come back for at least a few months. Life is looking up!

NICE NO-HITTER, IDIOT

What if Jordan would have missed that shot against the Jazz? How about if Dwight Clark would have dropped that leaping grab from Montana in the back of the end zone? They would have been nobodies, especially that Jordan character, because they couldn't finish when it mattered most. On that note, I present to thee Gavin Floyd, a man who got all the poor folk on the South Side's hopes up only to have them dashed because he is a forgettable failure/loser of a pitcher. With one out in the top of the ninth, Gavin Floyd let up a trademark meatball to Baby Jesus Joe Mauer that was ripped into the left field gap for a double, thankfully keeping this complete hack out of an exclusive club of pitchers who have recorded a no-hitter. I mean, jeeze, how hard is it to get two more outs? What a freaking failure.

"He got better as the game went on because, at the start, he wasn't very good at all," said White Sox catcher A.J. Piersuckski, who caught Floyd's one-hit effort on April 12 and Mark Buehrle's no-hitter on April 18, 2007. "He pitched great, and it was a lot of fun. It was a shame that Mauer found the gap and the ball fell in. That's the way baseball works some times."

A.J.'s exactly right. Along with a double falling in, standing on the top step yelling obscenities at an opponent as well as trying to critically injure their MVP first basemen are also part of the game. Hey, A.J., how's that poker face treating you?

"I hoped it was an out," added the low-key Floyd of Mauer's one-out high drive. "But I was just excited we won."

If the no-hitter would have happened, it would have been the best thing to happen to the White Sox since their 2005 World Series Championship. Unfortunately, the best event before that was Disco Demolition Night, and before that, this was.

HOT PUERTO RICAN ACTION!!!

Ozzie Guillen, in case you don't know, is a crazy man who led the White Sox to the 2005 World Series while at the same time creating his very own dialect of English. At least I think it's English. Anyway, after being swept by the B-Jays, Guillen decided that the best thing to do for his team was to go ape shit on reporters. Call his strategy unorthodox, but I'll be willing to bet that yelling and screaming in a sport that requires emotions to be in check at all times will definitely pay off for the South Side Rats. Let's enjoy:

"Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups -- 'Call up this guy, call up that guy.' ... If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best [stuff] in town. Now we're [bleep]," Guillen said to the aforementioned Chicago media before the game.

Guillen observed that Chicago still loved the Cubs, even though they have not won a World Series since 1908, but the White Sox -- winners of the 2005 World Series -- did not receive the same affectionate support.

Hahahaha, what a douche. But he kept the magic coming....

"We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[bleep]," Guillen said, according to the Chicago Tribune. "The Cubs haven't won in [100] years, and they're the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we're good. [Bleep] everybody. We're horse[bleep], and we're going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win.

"We are the [bleep] of Chicago. We're the Chicago [bleep]. We have the worst owner [Jerry Reinsdorf]. The guy's got seven [bleeping] rings, and he's the [bleeping] horse[bleep] owner."

Guillen brought up Elia, the former Cubs manager who blew his gasket over what he considered to be ungrateful, unforgiving and unsupportive Cubs fans in an infamous tirade that recently marked its 25th anniversary.

"How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bull[bleep]? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my [stuff]. I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, 'Here, give me money, here's the 10-year anniversary of my time I called [Jay] Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North,' " Guillen said.

No doubt the best part of this isn't about how pissed he is that the Cubs get more attention or that everyone is counting his team out. He definitely won me over when he started getting irate over the fact that people think that Elia can out rant him. Your team just lost and you're pissed off that people are masquerading about town not being down on the Sox for losing, but instead thinking, "Hmmm, Ozzie sure can get worked up, but if I want to be around someone who's just going to take a legendary shit on everything, I don't know if he can shake a fist at Lee Elia." Really Ozzie, really? This is what keeps you up at night? Oh, P.S., your son goes to Columbia and from what I'm told, is a total melvin. Maybe open mouth kissing him around reporters wasn't the best P.R. move....

5-0 HOMESTAND, 1ST PLACE IN THE DIVISION, NOTHING TO HATE ON

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THE TIGERS ARE GOOD NOW, I GUESS

Remember when everyone thought that the Tigers were going to disband after starting so slow? Remember that? Yeah? When they were bad and couldn't win a game and everyone thought they were going to go 0-162 and that Jim Leyland was going to be out of a job by mid-April? When signing Miguel Carbrera was the worst mistake since the Macarena and that Justin Verlander had peaked at age 24 or whatever? Remember?

Well that group of has beens just swept the Yankees at the Stadium, are only 1.5 games back at the end of April, and have everything going the right way.

"We're that light on the oncoming train," closer Todd Jones proclaimed after the Tigers finished off their three-game sweep of the Yankees on Thursday night to step onto the brink of break-even.

Two and a half weeks ago, they were the 2-10 cautionary tale of baseball, a collection of injured position players, ineffective starters and rehabbing relievers. It hasn't all been a masterpiece since, especially on the injury front, and they haven't won more than four games in a row. Yet by winning seven of their last nine and 11 of their last 16, they're close enough to erase the memory of their opening homestand.

The Twins are fresh off a riveting two game sweep (which is just Un-American) of the South Side Rats. Livan on the bump. Baby Jesus Joe Mauer swinging well. It's Friday night and you don't got shit to do.

(LOUD DISCOURAGED GROAN)

Vicente Padilla threw a complete game shut out against the Twins yesterday striking out two and allowing only seven hits. I'm going to let you think about that for a second.........
OK, now I'm going to repeat it. Vicente Padilla threw a complete game shut out against the Twins yesterday striking out two and allowing only seven hits. Really? Vicente Padilla? This is like getting eliminated in a game of lightning by a girl. Fun fact: Vicente Padilla has been clocked at taking forty, yes four zero, seconds between pitches. Can't imagine driving behind him on a one way, yeesh.

The Twins starters had been a big reason for the team's ability to battle through some early offensive woes. But following Sunday's loss, the Twins starting pitchers are now 0-3 with an 8.27 ERA over their last seven contests, having pitched just a total of 32 2/3 innings over that span.

What happened to our innings eater? Isn't our strategy to have Livan pitch 1500 innings this year? And a tip of the cap to Mike Lamb who is batting his weight. And by the way he's swinging the lumber, homeboy is on a diet.

.....THE HELL?

Francisco Liriano isn't good at baseball anymore, apparently. Franchise has gotten off to a rocky 0-3 start after being touted as the dark horse to lead the Twins to the Central Division crown as well as "having nasty" per Scott Baker.

Pitching coach Rick Anderson went out to talk to Liriano (in what language God only knows) following a five-pitch walk to Frank Thomas that loaded the bases. Anderson told Liriano to settle down and just throw it over the plate, but that didn't provide any solutions.

Wow, great coaching Rickster. Maybe you can get into the NFL and yell at your kicker after a miss like everyone's favorite tomato, Tom Coughlin. On the up and up, the Twins are staying within striking distance of the lead for the division plus Adam Everett is still hurt, so that's good.

Now it turns out that they're sending his 12.32 ERA and DUI conviction to Rochester and calling up something named Bobby Korecky. This is not the start that I envisioned for Santana Jr. I envisioned him pitching 54 consecutive scoreless innings and one night, with the game on the line, telling Adam Everett to take a seat, lash a double off the Dodge Ram or whatever the hell they have up now, and giving the Minnesota fans an enticing striptease. Guy can dream, right?

Franchise can't find his slider yet and his fastball clearly is not hitting its spots. Could it be the long layoff? Could it be the surgery taking some of the bite off of his pitches? Is it just an early season slump? Nope, it's clearly Craig Monroe's fault. Maybe we should cut him.

I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!!

They did it. They really really did it.

JASON BARTLETT IS THE TWINS' BEST PLAYER

Deciding to severely one hop a routine ground ball with two outs and runners at 2nd and 3rd, Jason Bartlett secured his status as a Twins legend on Tuesday night in a 6-5 Twins victory over the Retirement Land Satan Rays. Joe Mauer went 3 for 4 nearly earning the $9+ million we'll be shelling out for a guy with no power over the next four years (hate, hate, hate). And He Shall Be a Livan was less than stellar giving up 5 runs (3 were his fault) in 6 innings. Tied at 5, the Twins trotted in their bullpen, and to my amazement, they decided that on this night they weren't going to try and do their impression of Ricky Martin's career (take that!).

Another tip of the cap to Carl Crawford who made a sensational diving catch......... in foul territory.......... to allow the winning run to tag up and score.

Crawford's play would normally be deemed great, except that there was only one out in the inning. Sprawled out to make the catch, Crawford was unable to make the throw home in time to beat Young, who tagged up and scored on the sacrifice fly.

"I didn't know if it was fair or foul, I was just trying to get an out," Crawford said after the game.

Crawford then had rain on his wedding day, a free ride when he already paid, took some great advice and didn't take it. Who would have thought it figured. Twitch came in to close it out in Eddie Guaradado fashion by allowing a runner to get into scoring position before finally slamming the door. Finale tonight of this two game series, if we sweep, I'm getting drunk to celebrate. If we lose, drowning my pain. If somehow we tie, you don't even want to know, but it involves 3 Unisom, 4 AA batteries, and a lot of paper towels.

TWINS STARTERS START SMALL, CONTAINABLE FIRE, BULLPEN BRINGS GASOLINE

Son of a bitch. Darn, heck, shoot, poop. Just when you think you have one reliable thing on your team, they swoop in like a bat out of hell and shit on everything. Everything. Monday night, the Twins had leads of 5-0 and 9-5 going into the bottom of the 8th. Then Matty G and Knee-Shack decided that it was too cold to throw anything but a fastball with no movement right down the tubes to one of the most potent offenses in the game, a decision that in hind sight, they're probably regretting.

"A pretty wild night," manager Ron Gardenhire said. "When you go with Matty Guerrier and Neshek, that's our best two setup guys. They normally don't give up too much. But I think you see a little bit of what the Tigers can do when you don't make pitches.

"We didn't make too many good pitches from about the bottom of the sixth on. We got balls up, and lot of pitches out and over. They were just killing it. And we couldn't stop them."

Top notch analyzation there by Gardy. So, all right, the Tigers caught fire, banged out six runs in an inning against the bullpen, great, that's all the runs they'll surrender for the next month.... Until last night and that fresh hell happened.

The Twins instead turned to Jesse Crain, who made just his fourth appearance of the season after missing nearly all of last season due to shoulder surgery.

Crain looked to be back in form at the start of the inning, striking out Clete Thomas with a 96-mph fastball for the first out in the eighth. Crain got himself into a bit of trouble, however, when he walked the next batter, Placido Polanco.

The problems multiplied for Crain during the next at-bat when he sailed a throw over the head of first baseman Justin Morneau. Crain's throwing error allowed Polanco to advance to third and put the tying run just 90 feet away.

Get.....him......out......of......there.

Crain got a big out when Gary Sheffield popped out to catcher Joe Mauer ('bout time), bringing Magglio Ordonez to the plate with two outs. On what Crain felt was a good pitch, Ordonez smacked a double into right field that knotted the game at 4.

Sweet Jesus, what else does this guy have to do to get pulled?

Miguel Cabrera then came to the plate and belted a 95-mph fastball up in the zone over the left field fence to put the Tigers up, 6-4.

...........siiiiiigh......... so Jesse, what'd you think of the game?

"Coming back [from the surgery], it's good to be out there in those situations again," Crain said.

Eye of the tiger there, J-Crain, eye of the tiger. Nothing like surrendering a lead in a divisional game and saying "Awwww shucks, tomorrow'll be betta', du hur!" Jason Bartlett and Matt Garza make their return home to the giant inflatable toilet tonight. Seeing as our bullpen is about as reliable as a pregnant woman's mood, I hope Livan brings the nasty, nasty tonight or else the Satan Rays will ride out of town with a sweep. Now if you'd excuse me, Jesse Crain and I are going to go play acoustic guitar and really get to know ourselves.

JASON KUBEL WAS GOOD AT BASEBALL YESTERDAY

Jason Kubel stuck it to the man last night by registering six, count 'em, six RBI's as well as showing protest against the establishment by refusing to shave for the 151st game in a row (Bruce Sutter, look out!). Scott Baker did his best to keep the White Sox in the game by making it interesting and allowing three unanswered White Sox runs while being given a 7-0 lead, but was able to irk out the win nonetheless to bring his career total to a whopping nineteen wins.

"He had a big night," Gardenhire said of Kubel, who finished with six RBI. "I've always said, I really believe this guy can hit. And you know what? He's going to get plenty of opportunities this year. He had 450 [plate appearances] last year, and I think he's going to get more than that this year."

To which a still injured Cuddyer ripped off the splint on his finger and said, "The fuck he is!"

Oh and by the way, Anaheim?

http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?video=200804092509773

Click on that. You can keep your $90 million dollar guy. Chucky 4000 plays for $12.65/game and a cheap lease agreement to live in his locker.

THE TIGERS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCK

Casual baseball fans are retarded. The Tigers have started the season 0-7 and everyone who knows nothing about baseball is panicking like an unemployed Sherpa in Kansas (a-thank you). ESPN (Eastern Sensationalist Propaganda Nonsense) is throwing up stats like 'NO TEAM THAT STARTED 0-7 HAS EVER MADE THE POST SEASON! IF YOU LIVE IN DETROIT, GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE THEY HIT 0-10!" This isn't football, an 0-7 start means nothing. It's like starting a basketball game and going down 7-0 in like the first two minutes. Here are some stats you need to pay attention to:

- There are 155 games left to play and the Tigers are 5 games back. Yeah, time to start packing up for the winter.
- No team has ever started 0-7 and made the post season. True, but I can also bet all those teams had some fucknut named Duffy Dwyer batting three hole hitting .250 on the year with 14 or less jacks, not dudes who could start on any team in the league 1-9.
- Miggity Cabriggity is 2/20 thus far. Yeah, he's going to rock .100 for the rest of the year, then go home to his big pile of cash and laugh like a scoundrel.
- Granderson is hurt.
- Most teams will have a swoon like this.
- Detroit is a terrible city, new players getting used to playing in complete poverty.

Detroit will probably win the Central still, but if they go 0-162, I will buy everyone who is pushing the panic button already a delicious steak dinner. The people in Detroit could use it. Ya know, cause of the poverty.

EARLY SEASON BASEBALL IS RIVETING

The baseball season now in full swing, and it couldn't be more boring. You know how people only tune in for like the last five minutes of a basketball game, I'm tempted to do that with the Twins this year. April is all about finding your swing, staying healthy, putting the ball in play, staying out of jail, etc. Wake me up at the All-Star break.

Cuddy went down with a dislocated finger diving into third base against the Royals last Friday evening meaning that Jason "I Look Like a Fiddler For Toby Keith" Kubel will be taking over in right field. Great. Another left handed bat, just what we needed. Giving the Twins another left handed bat is like giving the Pope a cross for his birthday, let's face it, both have some to spare.

This Blackburn cat has been changing haters thus far. He keeps his fastball low and has yet to have the big inning that dooms so many young pitchers. The battery of him and Mr. Electricity Joe "Big Pink" Mauer could squeeze out a solid 13 plus wins for the young hurler. In addition to this, he also isn't named Craig Monroe, so that makes me like him even more.

Congratulations to Justin More-know for his slump busting home run that traveled upwards of 943 feet against the Royals on Saturday. Great work J. After going hitless against a staff that'll probably lead the Halos to the American League West crown, you decided to start hitting the cover off the ball against the Royales With Cheese. This is the playground equivalent of getting beaten up by everyone your own age, saying the hell with it, and picking on the first graders. J-Mo has a much bigger responsibility now that he doesn't have Cuddyer protecting him. If I were a left handed pitcher in the American Leauge right now, I'd be licking my chops, cause with Cuddyer out, Morneau will probably try to do too much. If you throw Senor Canadian Bacon nothing but outside sliders that hit the dirt, it's basically baseball's very own Major Bison slide kick that we all used as a kid, was cheap as hell, but oh so effective.

Off day today. Tomorrow, Danks vs. Scotty Baker, who will no doubt take the mound with a wowwie pop and a slingshot in his back pocket. Let's go hometown nine!

TORII HUNTER IS A BABY

During last night's dome debacle, which we needn't get into, Bonser couldn't keep the fastball low, Garland threw I think a total of maybe 17 pitches all night, the Twins hit more grounders than a coach doing infield practice, etc. Torri Hunter caused the stir of the game when he pissed and moaned after the game after being plunked by Juan "Headhunter" Rincon.

"Maybe, maybe not," Hunter said when asked if he thought Rincon was throwing at him. "I kind of have mixed feelings. When he came [to the Twins], we clicked pretty good. Maybe they had a bet on who would hit Torii first."

OK, let's get a few things straight here. Firstly, you're not George Foreman, so if you ever refer to yourself in the third person again, I'm going to show that play where you blew Game 2 for us against the A's on loop. What a classy move, come back to the place that gave you a career, get plunked, and act like a martyr about it. Torii's probably thinking the Twins did this to take the bat out of his hands, but the way he's swinging, we might as well do that Rookie of the Year "float it" pitch to him.

LIVAN HERNANDEZ WILL BORE YOU TO AN OUT

Livan Hernandez let up two earned runs to a pretty stacked line up last night without, get this, having a single pitch go over 85 MPH. Dude, I drive my stupid K-Car faster than that on Olympic. How irritating must that have been for the Anaheimers? Not only do you have this guy who's been pitching since Carter was in office facing you, but you get shut down by a guy who used nothing but veteran grit and his ability to out-fox you for seven innings.

Boof is on the bump tonight, that should be fun. Apparently he shed 20 pounds in the offseason by eating right and exercising, two activities that, as a highly paid professional athlete, he forgot to do last year during his days off. The Angels do have some free swingers, so if Boof can get ahead consistently tonight, he should be fine. If he gets behind, it's going to be souvenir night in the left field porch. 2-0 here we come!

MERCURY MORRIS LOOK OUT

Mercury Morris, the Twins are in your living room and eating your potato chips. Hell, we get a win tomorrow, we're upstairs housing your wife. Yes, the Twins took the first step to perfection this evening with a workmanlike 3-2 victory over the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in Southern California in North Amer.... you get the bit. And he shall be a Livan Hernandez was prime out there going 7 strong before handing the ball over to Patty Knee Shack and Twitch. Side note, does anyone else feel bad for Joe Nathan? I mean, I don't feel bad for the man in the sense that he makes a King's ransom to work a total of fifteen minutesa night, but ever since signing that contract, if homeboy comes out and lets up as much as a hit, I know John Q. Twins Fan immediately starts thinking, "Hey, Joe, what the hell?"

However, my MVP of tonight's match was definitely Chucky 4000. He went two for three while putting Joe "Stiff Ground Ball" Mauer's ability to good use. Twice tonight the Twins used Mauer to move Chucky over to third with a ground ball to Kendrick, which is a much more welcome result than the usual "4-6-3 rally ending double play but let's hop on his nuts cause he had two two out nobody on singles". Man, where did that come from?

A high five also goes out to Delmon Young , who in his first night as a Twin has one more hit ball than hit ump, which is always a welcome addition. Two calls I will make after one night:

1. Craig Monroe will not be in the starting line up on June 10.
2. Adam Everett will leave thrice as many dudes on base (6 tonight) than he will have RBIs this season.

In summation, we are 1-0 and 161 more consecutive wins away from sending Mercury Morris to the street. Go Twins Go!

OUR ONLY HOPE AT AN UNDEFEATED SEASON COMES DOWN TO TONIGHT

When I was younger, my goal in life was to run a marathon and right before the gun was about to go off, sneak to the front and sprint as long as I possibly could just so I could say I led the race before tiring out and probably grabbing a smoke and a pancake. This is what the Twins need to do tonight. If the game gets into the 8th and we're tied, I want Liriano trotting out there. If someone turns an ankle and it won't turn into a nagging injury if we just sit them for the night, I'm not having it, take a salt tablet and get out there, Nancy. This is a sprint, not a marathon.

On the hill tonight will be Livan Hernandez. I looked him up and did you know that this guy is only 32 years old?
I think he came up through the Chicago Orphans farm system back in nineteen diggity two. Seriously, how is he only 32? I think there might be some funny El Duque bull crap going on down here.

Chucky 4000 will be starting tonight after he pulled his hamstring or whatever in the second to last pre-season game, which bodes well for the defensive prowess of the outfield. Watched highlights of Cuddyer gunning 'mos from the outfield and toweled up the results for the next hour and a half (gross).

Had a dream the other night where Mike Lamb suffered a season ending injury thus putting Punto in for him full time. Needless to say I woke up with that thing where you jolt up and start screaming like in the movies.

Two hours 'til post time. I'm really excited for the White Sox this year, Jim Thome is on pace to hit 324 home runs and have 648 RBIs. I'm really hoping he continues his assault!

SCOTT BAKER TAKING TIME TO REST BODY, GO THROUGH PUBERTY

Using an exhausting off-season work out regiment to strengthen his lower body/lose the last of his baby fat, Scott Baker was skipped over for his scheduled Grapefruit League start complaining of fatigue/his parents won't let him do ANYTHING.

"You are still dealing with the fact that he's very weak and he doesn't have a lot of energy," Gardenhire said. "To feel good walking in the clubhouse is one thing. To feel good when you start coming out and getting after it, that's when you'll see a little more of where you are at."

Baker will pitch in a Minor League stint today and has set a goal of reaching the 5th inning. If he gets into the 6th, Gardenhire has promised to reward him by letting him stay up an extra half an hour past his bed time.

JOE CHRISTENSEN DIDN'T JUST DRINK THE KOOL-AID, HE WENT BACK FOR SECONDS

As much as I love wild rampant optimism and not crying that it's over but being happy that it happened and all of that grab ass, Joe Christensen plopped himself a top of Mt. Homersota with his lovely article on the outlook on the Twins season.

I’m a glass-is-half-full kind of guy, and it’s easy to believe teams are going to be better when the people you cover are brimming with optimism. The Twins haven’t lost a game since Sept. 29 (Wakefield over Blackburn at Fenway Park.....

And it goes on like this....

For me, the fact Liriano probably won’t open the season with the team was almost the straw that broke the camel’s back. But then I caught myself. In baseball, it’s not about how you start, it’s how you finish. For five weeks, all of us tend to obsess about the Opening Day roster. We grab the preview magazines and study each team’s projected lineup and rotation and base our early predictions on those.

True, not knowing the status of your supposed ace on opening day is nothing to worry about, thanks Joe!

Baker is not a No. 5 starter. He looked terrific early in camp (until he got hurt), and by about mid-April, I expect him to look solid again. Liriano did not have some major setback in spring training. By mid-April, he could become a force again, if not quite as dominant as 2006, something approaching that.

Now, to his credit, Joe didn't go as far as saying the Twins would win the division running away, but if I get a call from him to join his local church group, robes to be provided, I'm telling him I'm washing my hair that night.

IF YOU WALK CLOSE ENOUGH TO KENT HRBEK, YOU WILL BEGIN ORBITING HIM

So I finally saw the new Twins Territory ad with Delmon "Take That Blue" Young meeting with three sages about how to hit effectively. As the commercial goes along, we come to find out the three wise men are Tony Olivia, Jewish convert Rod Carew, and Harmon Killebrew. Very cute, sort of clever, yeah yeah, but the worst part is at the end when Delmon is walking out, bat on shoulder, presumably to javelin throw at Angel Hernandez, and who shows up to give A+ hitting advice but Kent Hrbek. Really? Hrbek? We just heard hitting advice from two Hall of Famers and one who went to six straight All-Star Games, and the dessert of this baseball platter is the guy who humped Ron Gant off of first base? Really? Kent Hrbek hit north of .300 twice in his whole career. Having him in this commercial is the equivalent of having a Top 40 All Time Song countdown, getting to #4 and throwing in "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles to make sure everyone is paying attention. Kent Hrbek, what, was Denny Hocking too busy at the rest stop?

CARLOS GOMEZ IS LUCKY

With the demotion to the Ro-chester the molester Red Wings of Denard "I'll Make People Forget About Hunter, I Swear!" Span, it has become clear that something named Carlos Gomez will be replacing the perennial Gold Glover in Center Field. Along with Span, the hometown nine gave the proverbial "Don't let the door hit you where the Lord split you" to Jason Pridie, Phillip Humber (the golden calf from the Santana trade), and Denny Hocking wannabe Brian Buscher.

To summarize, we replaced a dude who has racked 192 dingers while basically placing a giant vortex in center with a guy who is 20 minutes older than me and hit .232 last year in 58 games, easily beating out the left fielder by committee of the Twins a year ago for the Nick Punto honorary MVP Award. On the up and up, Gomez (whose nickname will hence forth me Chucky 4000) hit .286 this Spring with six driven in and 10 thieves in 15 contests, which means if this was 2005, he'd be batting 3 hole and we'd be told that he makes Willie Mays look like a child pornographer (thank you James Lipton).

If Gomez can get an OBA of .350 and swipe 40 bases or more, Torii Hunter and his 90 million dollars and $35,000 braces will not not be missed as much as most people, your humble narrator included, will think. Let us all raise our Strohs Light and hope Chucky 4000 gets on base a ton and runs, runs, runs. Either that or inject him with HGH and have him eat nothing but steak after steak and try to get 25 jacks out of him. Both options I'm cool with.

JOE NATHAN GOT PAAAAAAAAAAAAAID

Finally realizing that it is useless to line his ever present coffin with hundred dollar bills,

Scrooge McDuck Carl Pohlad opened up his wallet and gave All-Star closer/fabulous dancer Joe Nathan a new three year contract.

The Minnesota Twins have locked up franchise closer Joe Nathan into the next decade.

The Twins and Nathan agreed to terms on a three-year contract extension with a club option for 2012, the team announced Monday.

Financial terms were not disclosed, but ESPN.com reported that the righthander will receive between $11-12 million annually.

In the past 12-13 months the Twins have signed Mauer, Morneau, Cuddy, and now Nathan to contract extensions while shipping off Hunter to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County in Southern California in the Northern Hemisphere and Jo-hizzle to the New York 7 1/2 games ahead Mets. Apparently as he turns around and sees Death's hand constantly reaching for him, Pohlad gave direction to Bill Smith to make the clubhouse full of those guys in High School who worked on their trucks, had a banging hot girlfriend for some reason, and spoke maybe 17 words a year. Thank God we shipped off Torri and Johan, the two guys who weren't mimes in the entire clubhouse. They were obviously annoying Mauer to the point that it hurt his knee. Grad students, if you need to get studying done, there's not a quieter place in America than the Twins clubhouse. Unless Delmon is throwing bats. Just don't wear ump colors.

With this new chunk of change being dropped on him, Joe Nathan was quoted as saying he's going to pay off his student loans, buy a new F-Series (or whatever the devil people are driving to their ice houses), and use the rest to buy crate upon crate of whatever medication it takes to alleviate his severe case of Tourette Syndrome.